Before and After: Industrial proposal/sales letter

Whether he's spending his own money or the company's, every buyer is a human being first. That means he has wants and worries that a smart writer will recognize and address.

Below is the first paragraph of a long multi-page proposal. As you can see, the original version is stiff and formal, and focuses exclusively on the seller.

Before:

Dear Mr. Jones:

New England Organics is pleased to provide Camel Pollution Control Inc. (Camel) with this proposal for the long-term management of sludge. New England Organics is a division of New England Waste Services of Maine, Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of Casella Waste Systems, Inc. (“Casella”) of Rutland, Vermont. We propose to remove and transport the sludge from both the New Boston and Warwick facilities to the Alexander County Landfill in Canandaigua, New York, operated by Casella. We offer guaranteed, secure backup at the Ontario County Landfill, another Casella operated landfill located in Stanley, New York.

Now notice how my edited version zeroes in on the customer instead. It anticipates his emotional needs, his worries and wants, and offers reassurance. Then it backs them up with references and a solid guarantee.

After:

Dear Mr. Jones:

The mere thought of changing sludge vendors can be nerve-wracking and intimidating. You want the transition to be seamless, the service to be excellent, and your cost savings substantial enough to justify what could be a disruptive and challenging procedure. Let me reassure you. With almost 25 years in the business of recycling and disposal of organic residuals, we know exactly what you are facing. We are experts in sludge management, as well as managing the transition from your previous vendor.

I believe the following proposal will demonstrate our qualifications and the substantial cost-saving you will enjoy when you become a NEO customer. But don’t take my word for it. I’ve also included a list of references who will vouch for our expertise. In addition, our service guarantees should remove any lingering worries.