While most of his advice had to do with humor writing and making people laugh, many of his suggestions are valid for copywriters and business writers, too. In fact, anyone who wants people to keep reading what they’ve written.

Here’s some of Dilbert’s daddy’s advice:

• Start with an attention-getting “lead.” Here’s Adams’ opening gambit in his Wall Street Journal article: “Last weekend a French fry got lodged in my sinus cavity.” Does that make you want to read more?
• Hook your readers with stories. You don’t have to be funny, like Adams’ tale (about his ignorance of the human reproductive system when he was 11 years old). But stories resonate with people, draw them in and make them feel closer to you. What if you told the story of why you started your business — who you wanted to help, and why? Show a little of your authentic self — I guarantee it will be a lot more exciting than your company mission statement.
• Make them curious. “Good writing makes you curious without being too heavy-handed about it,” Adams writes. “My first sentence in this piece, about the French fry lodged in my sinus cavity, is designed to make you curious.”

Adams also explains why “yank” is funnier than “pull.” Now there’s something every writer ought to know!

II. Thou shalt honor thy customers worries and problems, for that is what keepeth them awake at night.

III. Thou shalt focus thy copy on the customer, not thyself. Show them how you can help them end their wailing and gnashing of teeth, and thou willst be an answer to their prayers.

IV. Thou shalt not glorify thyself by making empty promises thou cannot keep. Indeed, thou shall back up thy promises with proof: case studies, testimonials, etc., of how how thou hast helped others like them in the past. In other words, thou shall put up or shut up.

V. Thou shalt not bore thy visitors, who art afflicted with a short attention span. Thou shalt trim the fat.

VI. Thou shalt ask for thy visitors’ e-mail addresses and permission to follow up in the future. But thou shalt not browbeat them with over-aggressive or over-frequent missives.

VII. Thou shalt offer value in exchange for their e-mail addresses. This may taketh on many forms, including expert guidance within thy field of endeavor. (Stone tablets optional.)

VIII. Thou shalt optimize thy website for the great god Google, lest thy website be cast into the wilderness and ignored by those searching for thy goods and services. Ditto for the lesser deities, Bing and Yahoo. Yea verily, these are false gods, but hey, business is business.

IX. Thou shalt optimize the layout of thy copy to pleaseth the eye of thy reader. This meaneth headings and subheads, wide margins, white space and bullet lists. Banish thy clutter to the dark, unspeakable places.

X. Thou shalt not bully, browbeat, or hard-sell thy beloved customer. Rather, thou shalt partner with them, embrace their problems as thine own, and help them achieve their goals.

But on your company’s website, there’s no time for that. Everyone’s in a rush. Your prospect has a million distractions, interruptions and other things to do. Her finger is poised just above the BACK button, twitching with impatience. She’s ready to bail if she doesn’t immediately see what she’s looking for. Or if she thinks you’re wasting her time.

As we talked about last time, website visitors have three immediate questions when they land on any site for the first time:

• Am I in the right place?
• Do they have what I want?
• Do I feel comfortable here?

You only have a few seconds to reassure them. So your headline and lead paragraph must get right to the point. Don’t be too subtle or “creative.” On the other hand, you can’t seem pushy, desperate or obnoxious.

Here’s how to do it.

• Make sure your heading and first paragraph make it obvious — instantly – who the page is for, i.e., your ideal customer.
• Acknowledge their pain, problem or desire. You know, the reason they went Googling in the first place.
• Assure them you have a great solution, preferably a quick one. We’re all impatient, remember?

This may sound like a lot, but it doesn’t have to take a lot of words. Here’s an example:

“Golfers: Are you sick of hooking or slicing the ball?
Wouldn’t it be nice to hit the fairways for a change?”

In just 21 words, we’ve told visitors that we know who they are (golfers) and what they’re problem is (hooking or slicing their tee shots). It’s also hints that we have a solution (Wouldn’t it be nice to hit the fairways for a change?) which we reinforce in the next few sentences.

Believe me, I know just how you feel. But after years of frustration and expensive lessons, I finally found something that works. What an improvement!

Now my ball hardly ever lands in the rough. I’m making more birdies and fewer bogeys, so I enjoy the game a lot more. In fact, I’ve shaved nearly 10 strokes off my handicap.

Want to do the same?”

Notice the copy hasn’t even mentioned the product yet. We don’t know what it is. (At least I don’t, and I wrote the copy.) The focus is on the outcome, i.e., what they stand to gain if they stick around and buy. And we did all that in less than 100 words.

At the risk of repeating myself, remember what’s going through the visitor’s mind: They just landed on your site. They’ll only stay if you give them a compelling reason (a/k/a benefits). They’re not interested in hearing about you, your company or your widgets – not yet. They just want to know IF you can help them, and HOW, and if they can trust you. So just tell them.

And make it quick.

Enjoy this article? Want more? Please join my mailing list.
Fill out the form at the top of the page. Thanks!

“There are three rules for writing the novel a website. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

Ask yourself, what do they want? What are they really looking for? How can you make it clear that you have what they want? (Or that they want what you have?)

Knowing what a prospective customer is thinking when they first arrive at your website makes it a lot easier to hook ’em with your copy. Luckily, it’s not too hard to figure out. In fact, I’ll show you exactly what’s going through the typical visitor’s mind. Let me borrow my crystal ball from this turbaned fellow and we’ll walk through the process together.

Peering into the brainpan: What website visitors are thinking

How do most first-time visitors find your site? If you guessed Google, Yahoo, or one or the other search engines, you’re right. Chances are, they typed in one or two keywords to describe what they were looking for, then clicked the SEARCH button.

Almost instantly a search results page popped up, containing a long list of links to websites. Most of them, they’ve never heard of.

Which one will they click?

This, too, is pretty predictable. Statistics show that 80 to 90% of them will click one of the first four listings – which is why it’s pretty important to optimize your website for search engines.

OK, they’ve clicked a link and, miracle of miracles, they land on your website! How cool!

Then what? Well, put yourself in their place. What goes through your mind when you land on a website you’ve never seen before? There are three things you immediately want to know:

1. Am I in the right place? Is this where I meant to go? Or did I click the wrong thing?
2. Does this site have what I’m looking for? This is a biggie. If you don’t show them instantly, they’ll hit that BACK button and be gone faster than you can say, “Huh? Where’d everybody go?”
3. How do I feel here? Am I comfortable? Or is it creepy or sleazy? Can I trust these people — or are they just trying to rush me into buying something? Do they even know what they’re talking about?

Oh, by the way. You only have a few seconds to get all that across.

Why the big rush?

The dazzling speed of computers and the Internet has conditioned us all to be very, very impatient. Admit it. If you don’t find what you’re looking for instantly, you look elsewhere. Right? If a link doesn’t open fast enough, you click somewhere else.

We all do it. And so does your website visitor. If she doesn’t see the answers she’s looking for instantly – I mean within the first 3-5 seconds – you have very little chance of keeping her around.

How in the world can you possibly communicate all that in just a few seconds? I’ll show you how, in the next installment of today’s exciting adventure.

Next: How to write copy that gets to the point — without getting obnoxious.

Enjoy this article? Want more? Please join my mailing list.
Fill out the form at the top of the page. Thanks!

photo credit: KrätzschePhotography