Most of us sit in front of a computer a lot, so clicking Google is a lot faster than finding — then flipping through — the phone book. Not to mention you can’t enlarge the font in the phone book, like you can in your browser. (How? Click CTRL and the + sign of your numeric keypad.)

So it’s no surprise that telecommunications companies in many states are getting the OK to discontinue printing and distributing those dusty old relics of a bygone era. Even the phone companies themselves admit that most people now use the Internet rather than letting their fingers do the walking when they want to reach out and touch someone.

That’s also why it’s essential for your small business to have a website today.

Footnote: Ironically, today is the last day of operation for Google’s free 411 alternative, 1-800-Goog.

That’s according to one of their ads. I haven’t seen that particular ad, but I read about it in the NY Times, so it might be true.

I did see one TV ad claiming the new sneakers tone leg and buttock muscles better than regular walking shoes. Is it just marketing BS, or could it be true? A lot of people seem to think (or at least hope) so. Sales are smoking hot, just like your legs will be.

Reebok says the EasyTone is their biggest hit in five years. And no wonder. They were designed by a real rocket scientist, former NASA engineer Bill McInnis, now Reebok’s head of advanced innovation.

But what about the controversial claim? Can the shoes live up to the boast? According to the Times,

“The claim is backed by a single study involving just five women, walking on a treadmill for only 500 steps. Some wore the EasyTone or another Reebok walking shoe, some were barefoot. Sensors indicated that the EasyTone worked glutes 28% more than regular walking shoes. Hamstring and calf muscles worked 11% harder.” (Edited slightly for length, clarity and emphasis.)

Wait — who cares if your leg and butt muscles work a little bit harder? All we want to know is, do boobs really get jealous?

Bob’s a successful and savvy advertising executive who owns his own agency in San Francisco. He’s also a delightfully grumpy old fart who loves to snicker at the Emperor’s missing bloomers, as well as the foolishness of the people watching the parade.

Like me, Bob gags at what passes for B2B copy these days, especially the “cutting edge, state of the art, scalable” baloney favored by technology companies big and small:

“One way we can tell that the marketing and advertising industries are in dire straits is by listening to the language. From the HP website:

“… (HP’s) collaborative approach is tailored to a customer’s ecosystem to create adaptive infrastructures that use leading software products and architectures and leverage HP’s own expertise in the creation of adaptive infrastructures.”

“Spend time at a conference, read a trade publication, listen to a presentation and it soon becomes obvious that speaking plainly and clearly has become anathema to most marketing practitioners.”

As a copywriter and former technical writer, I confess I have been forced to write that kind of crap on any number of occasions. But in my defense, the clients flatly rejected my initial drafts — the ones written in plain American English, easily understood even by CEOs. The kind of everyday shirtsleeve English you and I speak to each other.

Can you imagine meeting someone new, asking what they do, and have them say, “Oh, we create adaptive infrastructures…”? Of course not. Nobody really talks like that. Not even the guys who wrote it.

I have a theory. See if you agree. I think vague, jargon-filled copy are like those giant boulders in old TV westerns. They’re really big, they slow down your enemies … and they’re really great to hide behind.

PS: After a month-long, self-imposed hiatus from blogging, Bob’s and his blog are back together. To be honest, I think he was considering a divorce, but settled on a trial separation instead. Since he’s pretty skeptical about the business value of social media, we’ll see how long he lasts. Enjoy his curmudgeonality while you can, kids.

photo credit: colinedwards99

“Zero-percent financing! Drive it away for just $189 a month! We’ll give you $4000 for your old car, even if you have to tow it in! And (my personal favorite) below-invoice prices!”

Can dealers really afford to make such extravagant promises? Of course not. None of those come-ons are quite what they pretend to be. “Below-invoice” prices, for example, are “not necessarily what the dealer paid for it. He may be getting a rebate, and he is definitely getting a dealer holdback fee from the manufacturer,” explains Bank Rate Monitor.

Zero-percent financing? Check the fine print for something like ‘With approved credit,” meaning a FICO credit score of 700 or above.

We’ll pay off your old car no matter how much you owe: “Let’s say you owe $8,000 on your present car and it’s worth only $3,000. When the dealer boasts it will pay off your old car, it doesn’t mean you’re going to get $8,000 deducted for your trade: it means the dealer is just going to add the $8,000 to the cost of your new car. It gets even worse: Because the new lender is fully aware that the amount being financed exceeds the value of the new car, your loan will be treated as an unsecured loan and will carry a significantly higher interest rate.” Ouch!

For a fascinating “translation” of what those hype-filled promises really mean, check out the Bankrate article here.

“The Online Publishers Association has created a series of new standards for really big, intrusive, bash-you-on-the-head sorts of advertisements, which you are going to start seeing on its member sites in coming months.” NY Times

When will these advertising “experts” learn? The key to success in online advertising is relevance, not becoming noisier and more distracting. Look, most adults go online for a reason, and it ain’t to see ads. They’re looking for information. If your ad is relevant to the information they’re online to find, they might just take a look. But obnoxious, in-your-face ads? No way. They just fuel the demand for ad-blocking software.

Besides, haven’t these people heard? A little company called Google is doing pretty well with relevant, low-key, text-only ads…